Regret
by myv-roses
Summary: “My duty…my duty…I fought against their decision as much as I could, but I was ordered…I was ordered to…” “To kill her.” She is finished for me. It's too late. I killed her and I'll always regret it.


**Regret**

**A/N:** Another one of my beautifully crafted one-shots. Joking. I hope you like it. Some things are unexplained so let's just leave it that way! Oh and of course don't own CLAMP. Forgive my errors.

"Who is…she?" A raspy voice asked.

She…

The room was bright and it blinded my eyes. It felt cold and desolate. I didn't understand this one. Wasn't I supposed to be the one questioning her sanity? Why did I even show her this picture?

I don't know why anymore. Why am I doing this? Finding the source of her insanity. I remember that my beloved always enjoyed challenges. I remember how her emerald eyes shone with mirth and I remember her smirk.

And this Shinju was digging into the very depths of my soul, recovering my lost memories, my lost feelings. I buried that corpse long ago…long ago when I committed the most horrible sin. What is her shovel to this grave? The grave that lies deep in my heart? Her weapon, her key to enter the innermost of me…was this wretched picture that I cherish.

"W-who is she…? She is the source of my guilt. The ghost who haunts me everyday…She was the source…of my happiness and the source of my pain…"

Here I am just pouring my soul out to the epitome of insanity. This Shinju…is it man, woman? Who knows? Yet, strangely I feel comfortable around her. Who…is interrogating her? I can see that she is amused.

"Oh-how poetic Dr. Li Syaoran." She chuckled relentlessly, a bitter and distant laugh, resembling that of a hyena's.

"Care to explain what happened? From your statement I wonder if you are still "blessed" with sanity. I wonder if you did something unforgivable…and I wonder if you feel immense remorse…" Again she laughed. Her hair was red. And when it shook I froze.

It was like when I saw her lying on the ground shaking.

It…was…blood…red.

"Five years ago…I fell in love with a girl…"

"Oh. It's that sort of story." She turned around and began tapping on the desk separating us.

"I promised it doesn't end with a kiss." At this she turned her head to the side so that her ear faced me. For some reason I had to tell her. She couldn't reveal my secret. And even if she did, it's her word against mine. I'm a renowned psychologist, while she…is below me in mental status.

"Five years ago. I met a girl. I first met her at a party my parents were having…"

"Just get to the point."

"I didn't know why…but she entertained me."

"God, kill me."

"So we became friends and my parents were very happy…but I didn't know why. At the time I thought they saw her as a candidate for a future wife."

"And let me guess…you fell in love and then something tore you two apart and now you still regret it to this day?" I ignored her and continued.

"Then one day as we became closer and closer together, my parents told me to do something…something I still regret to this day."

She turned her head slightly so that I now saw her cheek.

"And…and what was that?"

"My duty…my duty…I fought against their decision as much as I could, but I was ordered…I was ordered to…"

"To kill her." She finished for me. My eyes slightly widened. Although I tried so hard to keep my voice steady and emotionless, it filled to the brim…with…relentless regret.

"How did you know?"

"Someone once told me that to survive, we must kill. In order to obtain what is out of reach…we must sacrifice…we must toil and then…we will survive."

What the hell was she talking about? But in a way that is why I …

Kill.

"I fell deeply in love with her. I told myself I would not. So when the deed was done, I regretted it."

"Five years is not long. Ten years is not long, Twenty, fifty, a hundred, a thousand years is not long. But eternity is long and you will be forever reminded of what you lack…everything."

Are you the psychologist or me! Me! So then why, is what she is saying affecting me so much. Why does my soul shake?

"One night…I decided to do it…"

"Why?"

"Why, what?"

"Why didn't you help her? Why did you do it? Why…?"

"Be-because…I-I-.."

"Loved yourself more than you loved her."

You're right Shinju. Human behaviour tells us that. Humans. Disgusting creatures. Selfish and painful things. Our instinct is to survive and if killing means survival…then killing is what we will do.

"But something went horribly wrong that night didn't it…?"

"I took her to dinner at a nice place. I thought she should die in a nice place."

"You say this so casually like you do it everyday."

Yes I do it everyday. But you can't know that. It should be me sitting in your seat. Not you. You think through everything so logically.

"Then I took her to a cliff and pushed her."

"Why didn't you get caught? I trust there were sharp rocks conveniently placed at the bottom?"

"I'm a Li. Li's can get away with anything…and everything."

"But there was one major flaw...she told you she was in love with you, didn't she?"

I sighed. She was right, yet again.

"I couldn't shoot her. I couldn't pierce the heart that was filled with love for me…so I pushed her…and now she is gone forever…"

"There are three things wrong with what you are saying. Firstly, you didn't get away with it because you are being consumed by guilt. Secondly, her heart is no longer filled with love and lastly…she is right in front of you."

…

…..

…

"Sakura?"

"I was Sakura, but she died when you pushed her off that cliff. I am no longer Kinomoto Sakura. I am simply Shinju."

(A/N: I think Shinju means 'lovers suicide' Source – The Japanese Language  
by Haruhiko Kindaichi pg174)

Her face was mutilated. No doubt from the rocks which pierced her delicate face. The scars of the past remained so clearly.

The most stupid thing I did there and then was…

I screamed in agony, in excruciating agony and she too exclaimed in pain for worse than mine.

Yet no one noticed. No one. Not even my parents who were watching our every move behind the glass doors.

Nothing.

I had grabbed the knife hidden on the foot of my shoe and lunged at her. Seeing the danger she removed a scalpel from beneath the table…

"Now, we can die together…as lovers." She cackled. Then something strange happened and even though our lives are slipping away I'll never forget.

She was crying.

"How relentless…how cruel…how far can you go Syaoran?" Her voice so hurt. Blood dripped from both our chests, my head was becoming dark, and my hands were trembling.

Human behaviour tells us this. Our instinct is to survive and if killing means survival…then killing is what we will do. Our instinct tells us to seek revenge when we are hurt, but it also tells us to cry when it hurts.

"With one last breath in your body what will you say Sakura?" I gasped painfully, both our weapons still lodged within our hearts.

"I don't care what you did…I still love…"

And she slumped forward with her head lying peacefully on my chest.

Why? Once, before I tried to kill you and you made me feel such regret. Now again, you're dead and you still make me feel such remorse. I can't feel anymore.

I'm numb. I'm…

-----

His arm dropped to his side and they sat there on the ground. Comfortable with each other for the first time in many years.

_Love is just an instinct. Survival is just an instinct. Which one are you willing to kill for? _

**THE END**

**Luv White**

**X Bwhahahahaha! How was that? I decided to write something different for a change. Again, forgive me for any errors!**


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